Growing up my nickname was Weako. I hated that name so much that I often cried about it, but this was the nickname bestowed upon me by my family. More specifically, my uncles. It was well into adulthood, and after my coming out, when I realized that Weako was the nicest possible way for a family to call a little boy a faggot without actually using such a disparaging term. The identity of such a nickname can be carried throughout a lifetime and I didn’t grasp how much I had internalized mine until I became the opposite of that identity. Strong.
Throughout my teenage and college years, athletic was not a word I would have used to describe myself. Deep down was the spirit of an athlete that once played soccer, little league baseball, performed in dance recitals and who genuinely liked being active. But once puberty hit, the false perception that my sexuality and being athletic, fit and strong couldn’t coexist became my accepted reality. I was different. I was sensitive and effeminate which somehow meant I was also weak.
Though I wouldn’t say I’ve had it nearly as hard as others, being different isn’t easy. The way I coped with being different as a teenager was through food. I developed an unhealthy relationship with food and used my weight as a mechanism to hide my authentic self. Leaving high school and through college, I weighed over 300 pounds. It wasn’t until I came to terms with the hows and whys of my weight gain that I was finally able to make a lasting lifestyle change.
This brings us to my indirect journey to Solcana. After losing 100 plus pounds, mostly through diet changes, I began to seek a lifestyle and habits that more closely aligned with the person I had become. I started reading more and more about healthy food choices and ways to be more active. One of the blogs I frequently read published a post about ways to connect with like-minded individuals through Crossfit. I’d heard of Crossfit before, but never thought it was something I’d be interested in. I would regularly bike past Solcana on my way to the co-op, so I decided to heed the blog’s advice and looked them up online. I read the “About Us” section, browsed some of the blog posts and checked out the programming offered, however, none of that is what drew me. It was a class titled “Women-Trans-Femme”. The class description didn’t include me as a cis identified male, but I knew that if a gym held space for those identities, there could possibly be space for me… and Weako.
After doing the initial intro with Hannah, and signing up a few days later, I jumped in head first with Solcana and the community built here. I can’t say I felt 100% comfortable the first month or so of being a new member, but it didn’t take long for me to realize that Solcana was a place I could be myself and express my inner athlete in whatever form that took. I committed to attending class a minimum of 3 days a week, but enjoyed the experience of being at the gym, so I eventually scheduled rest days rather than trying to meet a minimum attendance goal.
Getting up to speed on all the different movements was one of the most challenging aspects of starting at Solcana. I was trying to move my body in ways it never had, while at the same time pushing my mental strength beyond what I’ve ever known to battle the self doubts and false identities I carried for so long. I overcame a lot of these challenges by figuring out which movements I enjoyed and excelled at, and identifying those movements I knew would need more work and attention. For the record, I LOVE BURPEES! There, I said it. I wasn’t as good at double unders or kipping pull-ups, but I made time to work on them, and have seen improvements in both areas.
It’s impossible not to compare yourself to others, especially when first starting out. I would look at all the strong athletes in the gym and think, “I really have a lot of work ahead of me”. I eventually came to the realization that, although I see others at a singular point on their fitness journey, they too have a history that brought them here and future goals to strive for. This point was driven home when a gym buddy specifically wanted to partner with me in a workout for motivation. She liked my burpees! It solidified that my strength, even at a level I felt was lacking, can and will be motivation for others.
Outside of Solcana I enjoy playing sports and have found a home for the little femme athlete that lay dormant for so many years. I play amateur softball and volleyball, and frequently travel for tournaments around the country. Some of the most substantial changes I’ve experienced since joining Solcana have been on the court and in the field. My overall athleticism has increased in such a way that in the last year I moved up divisions in both sports, which can only be attributed to the programming I have done in the gym. I never set out to make these improvements, so they have definitely come as a welcomed surprise in my training at Solcana.
Overall the community at Solcana is what really keeps me coming back. It’s one that doesn’t see shortcomings as weakness, but as areas of possibilities. Each one of us is allowed to shine at whichever point on our journey we’re at. Every day at Solcana I see athletes from all walks of life and know our journeys have merged from a mutual love of fitness and a desire to be stronger. There’s a space here for those of us that don’t fit the mold and there’s a space here for those of us that were placed in molds that no longer fit us. Going forward, I refuse to carry the limiting identities of my past any further and trust that my time at Solcana will continue to be a period inspiration and growth. Not only for myself, but for those around me as well.
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