With just 5 weeks to go to our one year anniversary (I say our because THIS IS A MUTUAL RELATIONSHIP) I finally made the jump to organize my wardrobe and rid it of the clothes that no longer fit. I’ve held on to ill fitting items for 47 weeks of this process, and, well…it was time. I wasn’t sure what to expect as I went through all my clothes that had been taking up so much space in my closet for so long. I mean, this thing was overflowing with shirts and dresses and blazers – some of which I had worn recently, some of which it had been years. I took every single piece of clothing out of my closet and out of my dresser, went through them one by one, and only kept the things that actually fit. Thankfully, I had plenty to choose from since I used to buy clothes that didn’t fit me at time of purchase thinking things like “this is gonna fit soon” or buying with out trying on because OF COURSE I WOULD FIT THIS SIZE, and upon trying on at home…wouldn’t. And then I would conveniently forget to return the items. I actually discovered two new pairs of jeans this way…jeans that I had purchased more than 2 years ago (I couldn’t be bothered to try them on in the store, geez). I think this is like the clothing equivalent for finding $20 in your winter coat pocket. Or not. I don’t know. What I do know is that it was crazy how many things I was hanging on to…and it felt really good to ‘clean house’ as I work to understand this metamorphosis I’m on. I see myself everyday so it’s sometimes hard to actualize the body changes per se but a project like this makes them tangible, and the whole thing felt really cathartic. It wasn’t like a “OMG LOOK AT HOW BIG THIS DRESS IS ON ME” kind of thing, it was more like “wow, I remember the person that used to wear this”. I’m not that person anymore.Don’t get me wrong. We’re similar. But she was timid and scared and I really don’t feel like her anymore.
I shared this Throwback Thursday photo with a female identifying private Facebook group that focuses on positive support of creative women, with this caption:
Hi. I’m feeling good because I finally have put me and my health first, have gained physical and emotional strength (thanks therapy and powerlifting!) and am finally standing up for myself in life and relationships and work (in the meantime managed to lose 40lbs). I posted this pic today. It shows April 2014 and April 2015. I know you ladies get it.
The responses were beautiful and kind and supportive – mostly pointing out that I had gifts to offer in both images, which is the truth. My point is/was more about how Solcana Crossfit, all of the wonderful coaches, and my gymmates continue to help me gain the strength I need to do other things in my life. For the last 5 years I’ve been going to weekly therapy trying to get to the root of my unhealthy emotional behaviors, and the patterns I keep repeating in my life. When I started this journey, it wasn’t necessarily about weight loss. I hoped for it, but since I’d had such limited success in the past, I wasn’t holding my breath. As I quickly became more acitve with Solcana my goals were more about being able to complete a workout, adding more weight, or even doing a metcon faster than the last time. Pushing myself in ways I had not ever been pushed. Weight wasn’t a part of it. It still isn’t. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t happy it’s a byproduct. This physical strength training I’ve been doing helps to push my emotional strength, and I’ve really been able to identify and recognize unhealthy relationships in my life. It sounds dumb to say, but I’m worth something and for the first time in my life it feels like that statement is actually sinking in to my brain. I deserve to be happy and successful and to make choices in my life that support my goals. I’m sure I would have learned this eventually, but I’ll be damned if it wasn’t for Coach Hannah and her coaching staff helping to show me that I CAN DO ANYTHING. And for the record, YOU can do anything, too.
You guys! I mean, I even quit my job last week! (it’s ok, I have a new job, so stop freaking out, Mom) Honestly, though, without the confidence I’ve learned over the last 47 weeks, I’m not sure I’d be in this same place. 47 weeks ago, I was content working a day job without much growth potential, putting other people’s needs first, suffering and suffocating because I was scared. Not any more. Life is too short. I’m gonna go out and grab this shiz by the horns because I CAN DO ANYTHING (except roll my r’s I’ve just never been able to do that and it KILLS ME) (ok, or climb the rope yet) (or do a pull up YET) (ugh, ok I’ve still got work to do).
I did manage to make it to a 5:30am class with Morgen last Friday. I don’t think I had been to one since last summer because, let’s face it, if the sun’s not up IT IS HARD. But I knew it was the only way I’d get a workout in so I did it. And it was…fun. It was great to work out with Jeff and Nate again, and new member Meg was an awesome addition. A long time ago I stopped looking at the workouts posted online because it would give me doubt and opportunity to make excuses not to show up. I’m so glad, because this particular day included a VERY LONG metcon that gave me anxiety upon seeing it:
5 Rounds for Time
- 400 m run
- 30 situps
- 15 Deadlift (135/95)
–1 min rest–
400 meter run x 5 times = 2000 meter run which equals 1.25 miles OH MY GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Anxiety. You guys know from Fall 2014 that running is my nemesis. And we’re into full fledged running season now. And I didn’t even bring my inhaler. And OH GOD. But I did this. And I didn’t stop. I ran the entire thing, did all of the sit ups (150) and all of the deadlifts (75) and managed to do it all in 22 minutes and 31 seconds, with 1 min of rest built in between rounds. I AM SO SHOCKED AND AWED BY THIS. A year ago, I’d be hyperventilating, hitting my inhaler, and cry walk running. This is legit. I CAN DO ANYTHING.
Now…to keep working on that 5k…
I cannot believe I just said that.